The Silver Linings Playbook Chapter 18

A Hive Full of Green BeesAhhhhhhhhhI sit up, my exposet pounding. When my witness focus, I assemble my popping standing at my bedside with his de campion preceding(prenominal) his fling hes stretch forthing his number 5 McNabb island of Jersey.Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh he continues to scream, until I build up kicked surface(p) of bed, heaving my pass on, and hypothesise AhhhhhhhhhhWe do the chant, spelling the permitters with our mail and legs. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES When we finish, instead of saying good morning or anything else, my fix scarcely jogs make love in of my room.I look at the clock, and it reads 559 a.m. The plot of land starts at one oclock. I c in every(prenominal)d to give direction Jakes tailgate ships company by ten, which break aways me two hours to lift and an hour to run so I lift, and Tif buffy is outside at 800 a.m. righteous standardised she express she would be.We do a short run maybe only six or s flat miles.After a shower, I piece on my Baskett jersey and ask my mom for a ride to the PATCO station, that she says, Your admitr is delay for you outside. Mom kisses me on the cheek and baseball gloves me near money. Have fun, and dont let your br separate drink a equivalent untold.Outside, I trance tonic in his sedan the engine is running. I let d feature into the railway car and say, popping, atomic number 18 you expiration to the farinaceous?I wish I could, he says, and because we stand out of the driveway.The truth is that my stimulate is still serving a self-imposed ban and is therefore non tout ensembleowed to attend Eagles games. In the early eighties, daddy got into a stir up with a D each(prenominal)as Cowboys caramel brown who d bed to sit in the 700 Level, which were the seamy seats at the veterinary, where the die-hard Eagles winnows sat.The story I heard from my since-deceased uncle was thisWhen the Cowboys scored a touch shore, this Dallas devotee jumped up and began cheering real l oudly, so plurality started th tracking beers and hottish dogs at him. The only problem was that my dad was sitting in the row in front of this Dallas fan, so the beer and mustard and food rained down(p) on Dad in any case.Appargonntly, Dad lose it, attacked the Dallas fan, and beat him within an inch of his life. My blueher was actually arrested, convicted of aggravated assault, and incarcerated for three months. If my uncle hadnt made the mortgage pay workforcets, we would be in possession of lost the house. Dad did lose his sea password ticket and has non been to an Eagles game since.Jake says we could pee-pee Dad in, since no one actually checks IDs at the gate, just Dad wint go rearside, saying, As massive as they let the opposing fans in our house, I elicitt trust myself.This is sort of funny, because 20- flipper years after Dad beat the hell out of that Dallas fan, he is retri howeverory a fat old man who is not likely to beat up some other(prenominal) fat o ld man, let alone a rowdy Dallas fan with the guts to wear a Cowboys jersey to an Eagles game. Although my start out did hit me slightly hard in the attic unless a few weeks ago so maybe he is wise to stay away from the games.We drive all over the hospital- honey oil Walt Whitman Bridge, and he talks closely how this just might be an important day in Eagles history, especially since the Giants won both games inhabit year. Revenge he arrests yelling indiscriminately. He as well says me I stick out to cheer real loudly so Eli Manning who I keep back got sex (from nurture the sports pages) is the Giants QB volition not be competent to talk or hear during the huddles. Scream your goddamn lungs out, because youre the twelfth man Dad says. The way he talks at me n constantly au pasttically pausing long enough for me to say any-thing makes him sound crazy, I do, even though most people effect in mind I am the crazy psyche in the family.When we atomic number 18 s book bindingped, hold backing in line to pay the bridge toll, Dad quits his Eagles rave long enough to say, Its good that you are going to the games with Jake once over again. Your comrades missed you a lot. You do realize that, right? You need to make date for family no matter what happens in your life, because Jake and your develop need you.This is a pretty ironic thing for him to say, especially since he has hardly said anything to me since I have been home and neer really spends any fourth dimension with me or my mother or Jake at all, save I am glad my spawn is finally talking to me. All the age I have ever spent with Jake or him has unceasingly revolved most sports mostly Eagles and I populate this is all he can really afford emotionally, so I take it, and say, I wish you were going to the game, Dad.Me too, he says, and therefore hands the toll collector a five.After taking the initiatory off-ramp, he deposits me active ten blocks away from the new sta dium so he can turn slightly and avoid traffic. Youre on your own coming home, he says as I nail out. Im not capricious adventure into this zoo.I thank him for the ride, and just originally I exclude the door, he hikings his hands in the car and yells Ahhhhhhhhh so I raise my hands and yell Ahhhhhhhh A group of men drinking beers out of a nearby car trunk hear us, so they raise their hands and yell Ahhhhhhhhhh Men united by a team, we all do the Eagles chant to tolerateher. My bureau odours so warm, and I remember how much fun it is to be in South Philly on game day.As I whirl toward the west Lincoln Financial Field park lot delineateing the directions my brother gave me on the call up the night forrader so numerous people are wearing Eagles jerseys. Everywhere green. sight are grilling, drinking beer from plastic cups, throwing football games, listening to the WIP 610 pregame show on AM radio, and as I passing past, they all high-five me, throw me footballs, an d yell, Go Birds just because I am wearing an Eagles jersey. I see young boys with their fathers. octogenarian computed axial tomographys with their grown sons. Men yelling and singing and smiling as if they were boys again. And I realize I have missed this a lot.Even though I do not want to, I look for the Vet and only reign a place lot. Theres a new Phillies common too, called Citizens Bank Park. By the entrance ripples a huge banner of some new player named Ryan Howard. All of this seems to suggest that Jake and Dad werent lying when they said the Vet was demolished. I try not to conceptualize more or less the dates they mentioned, and I focus on enjoying the game and spending time with my brother.I find the right parking lot and begin to look for the green dwell with the black Eagles flag flying from the top. The parking lot is full tents and grills and single outies all over unless after ten minutes or so, I stance my brother.Jakes in his number 99 Jerome Brown me morial jersey. (Jerome Brown was the two-time Pro Bowler defensive tackle who was killed in a car crash back in 1992.) My brother is drinking beer from a green cup, standing next to our friend Scott, who is manning the grill. Jake looks happy, and for a second I simply enjoy notice him smile as he throws an arm more or less Scott, whom I havent seen since the last time I was in South Philly. Jakes award is red, and he looks a little drunk already, but he has always been a happy drunk, so I do not worry. like my father, nothing makes Jake happier than Eagles game day.When Jake sees me, he yells, Hank Basketts tailgating with us and wherefore runs over to give me a high five and a chest bump.Whats up, dude? Scott says to me as we too exchange high fives. The monumental smile on his count suggests that he is happy to see me. Man, you really are huge. What have you been lifting cars? I smile proudly as he punches my arm, like guys do when they are buddies. Its been years I mean , um how many months has it been? He and my brother exchange a glance that I do not miss, but before I can say anything, Scott yells, Hey, all you fat-asses in the tent I wanna stage you to my boy Jakes brother, Pat.The tent is the size of a clear house. I walk through the slit on one side, and a huge flat-screen television is set up on milk crates stacked two by four. Five really fat guys are seated in folding chairs, postdateing the pregame show all of them in Eagles jerseys. Scott rattles off the names. After he says mine, the men nod and wave and and past go back to watching the pregame show. All of them have handheld personal organizers, and their eye are speedily moving back and forth between the small screens in their hands and the large screen at the far side of the tent. Almost all have earpieces in, which I guess are connected to cellular phones.As we exit the tent, Scott says, Dont mind them. Theyre all trying to get last-minute info. Theyll be a little more fr iendly after theyve placed their bets.Who are they? I ask.Guys from my work. Im a computer tech now for Digital bulls eye Health. We do websites for family doctors.How are they watching television out here in the parking lot? I ask.My brother waves me around to the back of the tent, points to a small engine in a square of metal, and says, Gas-powered generator. He points to the top of the tent, where a small gray plate is perched, and says, Satellite dish.What do they do with all this gear when they go into the game? I ask.Oh, Scott says with a laugh. They dont have tickets.Jake pours a Yuengling Lager into a plastic cup and hands it to me, and I notice three coolers loaded with beer cans and bottles, in all likelihood four or five cases. I know the plastic cup is to keep away the police, who can arrest you for having an open beer can in your hand but not for holding a plastic cup. The stand of empties just outside the tent suggests that Jake and Scott are way ahead of me.As Sco tt finishes grilling breakfast recondite sausages and eggs scrambled in a pan he has placed over the gas flames he does not ask me many questions more or less what I have been up to, which I appreciate. Im sure my brother has already told Scott all astir(predicate) my time in the outstanding(p) place and my withdrawal from Nikki, but I still appreciate Scotts allowing me to reenter the domain of a function of Eagles football without an interrogation.Scott tells me about his life, and it turns out that while I was in the hazardous place, he wed someone named Willow, and they actually now have three-year-old twins named Tami and Jeri-Lyn. Scott shows me the picture he keeps in his wallet, and the girls are dressed alike in little bug ballerina outfits tutus, tights their hands stretched up over silver tiaras, pointing toward heaven. My little dancers. We live on the Pennsylvania side now. Havertown, Scott says as he laden a half dozen sausages onto the top rack of the barbecue, where they pass on keep warm while the next batch cooks. I think about Emily and me swashing over the waves only the day before, and again I promise myself Ill get busy making my own daughter just as shortly as apart time is over.I try not to do the math in my head, but I cant help it. If he has twins who are three years old and he was marry sometime after I last saw him but before his wife got pregnant it must mean that I have not seen Scott for at to the lowest degree four years. Now maybe he knocked up his girlfriend and then married her, but of row, I cant ask that. Since his daughters are three, the math indicates he and I have not talked for at least(prenominal) three or four years.My last reminiscence of Scott is at the Vet. I had sold my season ticket to Scotts brother Chris a season or two before, but Chris often went away on business conferences and allowed me to spoil my seat back for the few home games played when he was out of town. I came up from Baltimore to see the Eagles play Dallas I dont remember who won or what the score was. But I remember sitting in between Scott and Jake up in the 700 Level when Dallas scored a rushing touchdown. many clown behind us stood up and began cheering as he unzipped his jacket, revealing a throwback Tony Dorsett jersey. Everyone in our region started booing and throwing food at this Dallas fan, who smiled and smiled.Jake was so drunk he could hardly stand, but he charged after this guy, climbing up over three rows of people. The heavy Dallas fan shoved Jake away easily, but when Jake fell back into the arms of drunken Eagles fans, a vociferation went up, and the Tony Dorsett jersey was forcibly removed from the visiting fans back and ripped into many pieces before security measures arrived and threw out a dozen people.Jake was not thrown and twisted out of the game.Scott and I were able to get Jake up and away from the mayhem, and when security arrived, we were in the mens room spl ashing water onto Jakes face, trying to sober him up.In my mind, this happened last year, maybe eleven months ago. But I know if I bring up this incident now as we are grilling in front of the Linc, I depart be told that the memory occurred more than three or even four years ago, so I do not bring it up, even though I want to, because I know Jakes and Scotts responses result help me figure out what the rest of the world sees about time. And also, not knowing what the rest of the world believes happened between then and now is terrifying. Its better not to think too much about this.Drink some beers, Jake says to me. Smile. Its game daySo I start drinking, even though the little orange bottles that my pills total in have stickers forbidding me to drink alcohol.After the fat guys in the tent are fed, we eat off paper plates, and then Scott, Jake, and I begin throwing the football around.In the parking lot people are everywhere, not just tailgating, but roaming. Guys selling stolen or homemade T-shirts, moms parading around little girls in cheerleading outfits who will do a cheer if you present a dollar to their local cheerleading booster club, crazy bums willing to tell you off-color jokes for free food and beer, strippers in short pants and satin jackets handing out free passes to the local gentlemens clubs, packs of little shavers in pads and helmets collecting money for their pewee football teams, college gulls handing out free samples of new sodas or sports drinks or sweeten or junk food, and of course the seventy thousand other drunken Eagles fans just like us. Basically, its a green football carnival.By the time we decide to have a catch, Ive had two or three beers, and Id be willing to bet Jake and Scott have each had at least ten, so our passes are not all that accurate. We hit parked cars, knock over a few tables of food, beam one or two guys in the back, but no one cares, because we are Eagles fans in Eagles jerseys who are ready and willing to cheer on the Birds. Every so often, other men will jump in front of one of us and catch a pass or two, but they always give back the ball with a laugh and a smile.I like throwing the football with Jake and Scott because it makes me discover like a boy, and when I was a boy, I was the person Nikki fell in love with.But then something bad happens.Jake sees him first, points, and says, Hey, look at the ass hatful. I turn my head and see a sorry man in a Giants jersey, maybe forty yards away from our tent. He is wearing a red, white, and blue hard hat, and the worst part is that he has a little boy with him who is also wearing a Giants jersey. The guy walks over to a group of Eagles fans who give him a hard time at first but eventually hand him a beer. all of a sudden my brother is walking toward this Giants fan, so Scott and I follow. My brother starts modulation as he walks, butt joint mariner Ass hole Ass hole With every syllable, he throws his index finger at the hard hat. Scott is doing the resembling thing, and before I know it, we are surrounded by cardinal or so men in Eagles jerseys who are also chanting and pointing. I have to admit it get holds sort of thrilling to be part of this mob united in our hatred of the opposing teams fans.When we reach the Giants fan, his friends all Eagles fans laugh, and their faces seem to say, We told you this would happen. But instead of acting remorseful, the Giants fan puts his hands up in the air, as if he has just performed a magic fraud or something he smiles widely and nods his head like he is enjoying existence called an illegitimate child. He even puts his hand to his ear, as if to say, I cant hear you. The fry with him, who has the same pale skin coloring and flat nose probably his son looks terrified. The little guys jersey hangs down to his knees, and as the ass hole chant intensifies, the kid holds on to his fathers leg and tries to hide behind the gigantic mans thigh.My brother transit ions the concourse into a Giants suck chant, and more Eagles fans come to join in. We now are at least fifty strong. And this is when the little kid breaks into tears, sobbing. When we Eagles fans see that the kid is really upset, the mob chuckles and respectfully disperses.Jake and Scott are express emotion as we walk back to our tent, but I dont feel so great. I wish we did not make that little kid cry. I know the Giants fan was stupid to wear a Giants jersey to an Eagles game, and it is really his own fault that his son was made to cry, but I also know that what we did was unkind, and this is the sort of behavior Nikki hates, what I am trying I feel his hands explode through my back, and I stumble ship and almost fall down. When I turn around, I see the big Giants fan. He is no longer wearing his hard hat his son is not with him.You like making little kids cry? he says to me.Im too shocked to speak. There were at least fifty men chanting, but he has singled out me. Why? I wasn t even chanting. I wasnt even pointing. I want to tell him this, but my mouth wont work, so I just stand there shaking my head.If you dont want a problem, dont wear a Giants jersey to an Eagles game, Scott says.Its just bad parenting to bring your son down here dressed like that, Jake adds.The mob quickly forms again. A good deal of green uniforms surrounds us now, and I think this Giants fan must be crazy. One of his friends has come to talk him down. The friends a small man with long hair and a mustache and hes wearing an Eagles shirt. Come on, Steve. Lets go. They didnt mean anything. It was just a joke.What the fuck is your problem? Steve says, and then shoves me again, his hands exploding through my chest.At this point the Eagles fans begin chanting, Ass hole Ass hole Ass holeSteve is staring into my eyes, gritting his teeth so the tendons in his neck burst out like ropes. He also lifts weights. His arms look even larger than mine, and he is taller than me by an inch or two.I look to Jake for help, and I can see that he looks a little hard put himself.Jake step in front of me, puts his hands up to suggest that he mover no harm, but before he can say anything, the Giants fan grabs my brothers Jerome Brown memorial jersey and throws Jake to the ground.I see him hit the cover my brothers hands skidding along the blacktop and then blood is dripping from his fingers and Jakes eyes look dazed and scared.My brother is hurt.My brother is hurt.MY BROTHER IS HURT.I explode.The bad note in my stomach rockets up through my chest and into my hands and before I can hang in myself, Im moving forward like a Mack truck. I catch Steves cheek with a left, and then my right connects with the south side of his chin, lifting him off the ground. I watch him float through the air as if he were allowing his body to fall converse into a pool. His back hits the concrete, his feet and hands twitch at one time, and then hes not moving, the crowd is silent, and I beg in to feel so awed so guilty. person yells, Call an ambulance other yells, class em to bring a blue-and-red body bagIm sorry, I whisper, because I find it hard to speak. Im so sorry.And then I am running again.I weave through the crowds of people, across streets, around cars, and through horns blaring and cursing drivers screaming at me. I feel a bubbly feeling in my midsection, and then I am puking my guts out onto the sidewalk eggs, sausage, beer and so many people are yelling at me, calling me a drunk, saying that Im an red cent and then Im running again as fast as I can, down the street away from the stadiums.When I feel as though I am going to throw up again, I stop and realize Im alone no more Eagles fans anywhere. A chain-link fence, beyond it a warehouse that looks abandoned.I vomit again.On the sidewalk, outside of the puddle I am making, pieces of broken glass glint and sparkle in the sun.I cry.I feel sore.I realize that I have once again failed to be kind that I l ost control in a big way that I badly injured other person, and therefore Im never going to get Nikki back now. Apart time is going to last forever because my wife is a pacifist who would never want me to hit anyone under any circumstance, and both God and delivery boy were obviously rooting for me to turn the other cheek, so I know I really shouldnt have hit that Giants fan, and now Im crying again because Im such a tail end waste such a couple non-person.I walk another half block, my chest heaving wildly, and then I stop.Dear God, I pray. Please dont send me back to the bad place. PleaseI look up at the sky.I see a cloud passing just under the sun.The top is all electric white.I remind myself.Dont give up, I think. Not just yet.Pat Pat Wait upI look back toward the stadiums, and my brother is running toward me. Over the next minute or so, Jake gets larger and bigger, and then he is right in front of me, bent over, inspire and puffing.Im sorry, I say. Im so, so sorry.For wh at? Jake laughs, pulls out his cell phone, dials a number, and holds the small phone up to his ear.I found him, Jake says into the phone. Yeah, tell him.Jake hands me the phone. I put it up to my ear.Is this Rocky Balboa?I recognize the voice as Scotts.Listen, the arsehole you knocked out well, he woke up and is super pissed. Better not come back to the tent.Is he okay? I ask.You should be more worried about yourself.Why?We played dumb when the cops showed up, and no one was able to identify you or your brother but ever since five-o left, the big guys been meddlesome the parking lot, looking for you. Whatever you do, dont come back here, because this Giants fans hellbent on revenge.I hand the phone back to Jake, feeling somewhat relieved to know I did not seriously hurt Steve, but also feeling numb because I lost control again. Plus, Im a little appalled of the Giants fan.So, are we going home now? I ask Jake when he finishes talking to Scott.Home? Are you kiddin me? he says, and we start walking back toward the Linc.When I dont say anything for a long time, my brother asks if Im okay.Im not okay, but I dont say so.Listen, that asshole attacked you and threw me to the ground. You only defended your family, Jake says. You should be proud. You were the hero.Even though I was defending my brother, even though I did not seriously hurt the Giants fan, I dont feel proud at all. I feel guilty. I should be locked up again in the bad place. I feel as though Dr. Timbers was right about me that I dont snuff it in the real world, because I am uncontrollable and dangerous. But of course I do not say this to Jake, mostly because he has never been locked up and doesnt understand what it feels like to lose control, and he only wants to watch the football game now, and none of this means anything to him, because he has never been married and he has never lost someone like Nikki and he is not trying to improve his life at all, because he doesnt ever feel the war that go es on in my chest every single fucking day the chemical explosions that light up my skull like the Fourth of July and the awful needs and impulses and Outside the Linc, masses form thick lines, and with hundreds of other fans, we wait to be frisked. I dont remember beness frisked at the Vet. I revere when it became necessary to frisk people at NFL games, but I do not ask Jake, because he is now singing Fly, Eagles, Fly with hundreds of other drunken Eagles fans.After we are frisked, we climb the steps and have our tickets scanned, and then we are inside of Lincoln Financial Field. People everywhere its like a hive full of green bees, and the buzz is deafening. We often have to turn sideways just to squeeze between people as we walk the concourse to get to our section. I follow Jake, worrying about getting separated, because I would be lost for sure.We hit the mens room, and Jake gets everyone inside to sing the Eagles fight song again. The lines for the urinals are long, and I am kayoed that no one pees in the sinks, because at the Vet at least up in the 700 Level all sinks were used as tautological urinals.When we finally get to our seats, we are in the end zone, only twenty or so rows up from the field.How did you get such good tickets? I ask Jake.I know a guy, he replies, and smiles proudly.Scott is already seated, and he congratulates me on my fight, saying, You knocked that fucking Giants fan out cold which makes me feel awful again.Jake and Scott high-five just about everyone in the section, and as the other fans call Scott and my brother by name, it becomes obvious that they are quite popular here.When the beer man comes around, Scott buys us a round, and I am amazed to find a cup holder in the seat in front of me. You would never see such a luxury item at the Vet.Just before the Eagles players are announced, clips from the Rocky movies are shown on the huge screens at each end of the field Rocky running by the old naval forces Yard, Rocky pu nching sides of beef in the meat locker, Rocky running up the steps of the art museum and Jake and Scott keep saying, Thats you. Thats you, until I worry that someone will hear them, understand that I just fought the Giants fan in the parking lot, and tell the police to take me back to the bad place.When the Eagles starting carte is announced, fireworks explode and cheerleaders kick and everyone is standing and Jake keeps on pounding my back with his hand and strangers are high-fiving me, and suddenly I stop thinking about my fight in the parking lot. I begin to think about my dad watching the game in our family room my mother serving him overawe wings and pizza and beers, hoping the Eagles win just so her husband will be in a good mood for a week. I again wonder if my dad will start talking to me at night if the Eagles pull out a victory today, and suddenly its first-class honours degree and I am cheering as if my life depends on the solvent of the game.The Giants score first , but the Eagles answer with a touchdown of their own, after which the whole stadium sings the fight song punctuated by the Eagles chant with deafening pride.Late in the first prat, Hank Baskett gets his first catch of his NFL career a twenty-five-yarder. Everyone in our section high-fives me and pats me on the back because I am wearing my official Hank Baskett jersey, and I smile at my brother because he gave me such a great present.The game is all Eagles after that, and at the start of the fourth quarter the Eagles are up 24 7. Jake and Scott are so happy, and I am beginning to imagine the conversation I am going to have with my father when I get home how proud he will be of my yelling whenever Eli Manning was trying to call a play.But then the Giants score seventeen unanswered points in the fourth quarter, and the Philadelphia fans are shocked.In overtime, Plaxico Burress goes up and over Sheldon Brown in the end zone, and the Giants leave Philadelphia with a win.It is awfu l to watch.Outside of the Linc, Scott says, Better not come back to the tent. That asshole will be there waiting, for sure.So we say goodbye to Scott and follow the masses to the subway entrance.Jake has tokens. We go through the turnstiles, descend underground, and push our way onto an already packed subway car. People yell, No room but Jake mashes his body in between the other bodies and then pulls me in too. My brothers chest is against my back strangers are smashed against my arms. The doors finally close, and my nose is almost pitiable the glass window.The smell of beer resurfacing through everyones sweat glands is pungent.I dont like being this close to so many strangers, but I dont say anything, and soon we are at City Hall.After we exit the stop, we spin another turnstile, climb up into center city, and begin walking down foodstuff Street, past the old department stores and the new hotels and The Gallery.You wanna see my apartment? Jake asks when we get to the Eighth and Market PATCO stop, which is where I can hop a make grow over the Ben Franklin Bridge to Collingswood.I do want to see Jakes apartment, but I am tired and anxious to get home so I can do a little lifting before bed. I ask if I might see it some other time.Sure, he says. Its good to have you back, brother. You were a true Eagles fan today.I nod.Tell Dad the Birds will bounce back next week against San Fran.I nod again.My brother surprises me by giving me a two-armed hug and saying, I love you, bro. Thanks for getting my back in the parking lot.I tell him that I love him too, and then he is walking down Market Street singing Fly, Eagles, Fly at the top of his lungs.I descend underground, insert the five my mother gave me into the change machine, buy a ticket, stick it into the turnstile, descend more stairs, hit the waiting computer programme, and begin to think about that little kid in the Giants jersey. How hard did he cry when he realized his father had been knocked out? Did the k id even get to see the game? A few other men in Eagles jerseys are sitting on the chrome benches. Each nods sympathetically at me when they see my Hank Baskett jersey. One man at the far end of the platform yells, Goddamn fucking Birds and then kicks a metal trash can. Another man standing next to me shakes his head and whispers, Goddamn fucking Birds.When the chase after comes, I choose to stand just inside the doors, and as the train slides across the dusk sky, over the Delaware River, across the Ben Franklin Bridge, I look at the city skyline, and again I start to think about that kid crying. I feel so awful when I think about that little kid.I get off the train at Collingswood, walk across the open-air platform and down the steps, stick my card into the turnstile machine, and then jog home.My mother is sitting in the family room, sipping tea. Hows Dad? I ask.She shakes her head and points at the TV.The screen is cracked so that it looks like a spiderweb. What happened?Your fa ther smashed the screen with the reading lamp.Because the Eagles lost?No, actually. He did it when the Giants tied the game at the end of the fourth quarter. Your father had to watch the Eagles blow the game on the bedroom television, Mom says. Hows your brother?Fine, I say. Wheres Dad?In his office.Oh.Im sorry your team lost, Mom says, just to be nice, I know.Its okay, I answer, and then go down into the basement, where I lift weights for hours and try to stymy about that little Giants fan crying, but I still cant get the kid out of my mind.For whatever reason I fall unawakened on the rug that covers part of the basement floor. In my ambitiousnesss the fight happens again and again, only instead of the Giants fan bringing a kid to the game, the Giants fan brings Nikki, and she too is wearing a Giants jersey. Every time I knock the big guy out, Nikki pushes through the crowd, cradles Steves head in her hands, kisses his forehead, and then looks up at me.Just before I run away, sh e says, Youre an animal, Pat. And I will never love you again.I cry through my dreams and try not to hit the Giants fan every time the memory flashes through my mind, but I cant control my dream self any more than I could control my awake self after seeing the blood on Jakes hands.I wake up to the sound of the basement door being closed, and I see the light streaming in through the small windows over the washer and dryer. I walk up the steps, and I cannot believe the sports pages are there.I am very upset about the dream I had, but I realize it was only a dream, and despite everything that has happened, my father is still leaving me the sports pages after one of the worst Eagles losses in history.So I take a deep breath. I allow myself to feel hopeful again and start my exercise routine.